my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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