When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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