i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
