i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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