hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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