he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
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The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
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STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine