I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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