i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
