someone threw a dead crab at me
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
