Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
