I intend to get homeless drunk
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
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He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
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I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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