Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
