I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
