I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
