he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
