I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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