I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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