Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
