I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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