Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
She even gives head with a lisp.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
