i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
