I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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