My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
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You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
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I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I think your dad took our porno
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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