but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
