There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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