I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
