i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
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He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
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I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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