So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
