At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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