I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
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She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
We don't watch enough power rangers
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
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He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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