You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
