no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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