we have pet lesbian snakes
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
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