my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
