Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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