Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize