I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
