if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
