I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
