Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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