Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
