Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
