Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
