Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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