i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
