Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family