They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...