In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.