I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Randomize
