I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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