So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Randomize
