I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just pee around me
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
