can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
