No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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