Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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